Towards the end

As the end of our vacation nears I have few words to speak to Landon or people I meet. I miss home, friends and my puppy. I have grown to appreciate the good life we have back home. We have no commute, have wonderful produce, social connections, good job and a loving puppy.  I have been away from social media like Twitter, Facebook and Instagram; it has been good to be blissfully unaware of what other people are doing and saying. Landon and I love eating our breakfasts, lunches and dinners together without any distractions, sometimes we have nothing to say but that’s alight. I have had good days and bad days on trip but I have learned that bad days give way to good experiences eventually.

The sadness, exhaustion, confusion helped me appreciate clarity of thought, joy and days of rest. Money sometimes helped buy comfort but didn’t give joy. The most expensive places we stayed at were necessarily not the memorable stays. At the same time camping was not always fun. The trip was mixed bag like life I never knew what was going to happen even though I planned most details.

I have learned to take disappointment as part of the experience. For me less choices , small towns and simple meals were more enjoyable. In the busyness of everyday I sometimes forgot to slow down and let days get the worst of me. This trip was a good reset for Landon and I. Some days I am able to listen to the wise voice inside me and some days not so much.

It was hard to figure out how to be on a vacation without work. I checked emails often and responded the first few weeks. When family and friends didn’t write back, I was sad. I guess I was having trouble disconnecting and being present. A lot of my self worth was coming from work, friends and family. When I took a break everyone else didn’t take a break so they didn’t have time to write long emails or have long phone calls. I had a lot more free time on my hands that I had to figure out what to do with.

Being present without worrying was hardest thing to do for me. I am a perpetual worrier and a list maker. I have got a list made in case of death, being in control and knowing what to do gives me peace. Travel is opposite of what gives me peace you never know what to expect from a new country, trail or waking up. Seeing the places may or may not live upto my expectations, most of the time they didn’t and I got disappointed. That’s when a little bit of travel reading set me straight that I was doing it wrong, I am supposed to be present and have no expectations and let the day happen instead of trying to control everything. I don’t have to make sense of it all, it’s alright if something doesn’t make sense or if someone doesn’t smile or if I didn’t get to have a 10 mile hike or whatever. It’s enough that I am alive, I am living and being present.

Back home I felt guilty when I passed out on the couch on a Sunday afternoon for 3+ hours as there were so many chores to do or things to read or research I need to be doing. I felt I was not able to keep up with my life anymore work, dog, doing things I love , family, friends and doing things I am supposed to do. Doing things I love doing always took a back seat except for walking. I was mentally tired to make a good meal after work or read. Some days it was easier to sleep after work without eating. Some days I had to take a nap during lunch to function in the afternoon. Life felt hard as I didn’t make time to unwind and do nothing. I didn’t take time to play and rest as there were always things to do. I usually crashed out of exhaustion and went to sleep at 6pm in the evening and woke up after 12+ hours of sleep. That should have been an indication that I need to do things differently but I didn’t take the clue to slow down. All the busyness took a toll, I gained weight, lost patience and was easily irritable. To get a better balanced for life at home  I need to balance doing things I love like taking long walks, doing nothing, getting enough rest and saying “no” more to the number of things that compete for my time. It is easier to eat well, get enough exercise and sleep well when you have few things to do.

I am excited to go home and see my friends. I am so thankful for the opportunity to see the beautiful scenery, hike everyday and enjoy freedom.